I am a competitive person and always have been. Not competitive with sports, but with myself; I want to be the best that I can be. Anything that I do, I am going to do RIGHT; I am going to be amazing, I will not half ASS anything. This is one of the reason's that I don't quilt with my mom. Even though it would be a great way to spend time with her, and I am sure I could quilt if I tried; I wouldn't be good at it and I really wouldn't enjoy it. Knowing that I like to succeed at what I do, when I got married I knew that I would give Erik my heart; all of it. I would do my best to make him happy at all times, I would sacrifice any and all things for him. When we decided to have children, I knew that I would do everything in my power to be an amazing mother. It is impossible to be a perfect mother, I know this. But, I sure as hell am going to try. I will do anything for those boys, but not too much; obviously as their mom I have to teach them. I love to cook and think I am pretty damn good at it, I try and I fail and I try, and I succeed. I am a massage therapist when I do this, usually just the boys at night; I put my all into that. I get to see the massage drunk look on their faces when they get done with their massage; I love that. The list goes on and on. Things that I can do. Things that I work hard at. A lot of times I do these things and I succeed the first time. Most of them I attempt a few times only to fail and have to try over and over again. No matter how many times I try and fail, or try and succeed there is always a sense of accomplishment and pride at the effort that I have put into the task.
Everything BUT Crossfit, that is a big BUT seeings how I have spent a lot of time with it over the last few years.
I don't know if it is the sport of Crossfit that I have fallen out of love with or the box that I go to but I have fallen out of love with something and I have been too afraid to figure out what it is. Well, now is the day that I take a step back and try to figure it out. Which is it? The sport or the people? Or, maybe my attitude toward the people. Either way, it is time to go in another direction.
THE SPORT:
It is hard, it is competitive, and it is SO challenging. Everyone is there together doing the same thing at the same time. Ages range from they very young to the.........not so very young at all but at least they are trying. There are also many different fitness levels. Some people have never stepped foot inside a gym while some are seasoned veterans. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and they are all different.
As the wod(workout of the day) is presented to you, you can choose to do it as prescribed(rx) or you can modify it to suit your own needs. It is fine to modify, not everyone can do a kipping pull up, or a muscle up, push up, o.h. squat......ect, ect........So you modify.
The wods are also timed or scored which is for your own benefit so that you can chart your growth. How you get faster or how your weight on the bar gets heavier.
As time goes on you are expected to learn and grow. Heck, you are even expected to fail; how are you going to learn and grow if you don't occasionally fail?
Now, we are still looking at crossfit, the sport and my lack of love for it. As a coach you would expect me to be able to coach the class. If the WOD is:
5 rounds of:
3 muscle ups
6 toes to bar
9 chest to bar
12 over head squats
I would go thru each movement with the class. Demonstrating each movement and also how to scale each movement to suit their needs. It would be understandable if I had just injured my shoulder and could not execute these movements. But, if I am not injured and am completely unable to demonstrate these, it poses a bit of a problem. In a couple ways. 1. I look like a hypocrite. How embarrassing that I cannot perform any of the moves that I expect the class to do. How horrible is it that most of the people can do the movement and I am one of the few that cannot. 2. What do the other coaches (the bosses) think of a coach that can't coach. I am forced to wonder how they feel about that and can't help but think that they have little or no respect for me because of this. I would feel that they would have some respect if I was on my way to learning these movements. But, because I am no where near being on my way or even trying I am sure there is a little judgement passed.
**Oh, why am I not trying you ask? Because it is not worth it to me. After popping one boob(yes, I popped my boob, the day after doing Fran and kipping all of my pull ups. I knew it felt wrong but I continued; I wanted to RX) and blowing out a shoulder(OH squats, once again I knew I had a bum shoulder and shouldn't do it, but the constant questions as to WHY? I didn't do oh squats and the look of disbelief in the coaches faces when I told them. I am fairly certain that they never believed that I have bad shoulders). There are a few movements that compromise my health and I am not willing to risk myself over it.
Now, as an athlete; not a coach would this be different? Yes, kind of. As an athlete it is me against myself and that is it. I can modify every single day at almost every wod and that is okay. Where the challenge came for me is that I wasn't growing and changing as an athlete. At least not enough to matter. I was coming in last at every wod and this became hard on my ego. To see new people come in and still beat my time day after day, wod after wod is REALLY hard. If a crossfit athlete could imagine the same thing and be honest with themselves, I know that they would struggle with it just as much as I do.
So, as far as falling out of love with the sport I have completely fallen out of love. If any other part of my life made me as sad as the sport of Crossfit does. When the bad days far out number the good days, It tells me that there needs to be a change.
So you would think; what about your friends? What about the relationships that you have formed? This brings us to the second part.
THE PEOPLE:
I have never struggled with a group of people so much in my life. I love them and hate them all at the same time.
People think that I am an open book, that I post everything about my life on facebook and put it all out there for the world to see. Boy are they wrong, I put on facebook what I want people to see; that is it.
Crossfit isn't just about working out. You don't JUST walk into the box and then go home when the wod is done. It is so much more than that. The "more than that" part is a lot of the reason that so many people love crossfit. The community of crossfit, it draws people in.
I choose my family over the community of crossfit. I always have. I love the people that I have met thru crossfit, they are great people. But, if on a Friday night I can be with my husband and kids or go sit in a house with a bunch of crossfitters.......I am going to pick home with my kids. Sometimes I wish I could be more social, go to clubs, go shopping at lulu, hang out at starbucks, do weekend runs, events, and races. I sometimes wish I could or would do that, but if I did that it would mean I wasn't with my family; even if my family came with me and hung out with the cool crossfitters-am I really WITH my family? No, they are just there in the background.
So, the people; they are great, they are wonderful. But if I don't hit all the "cool" things then guess what happens at the box? I stand there not knowing what is going on and not a part of the "cool" conversation and inside jokes. The group is standing around going over the wod and talking about......blah blah this and blah blah that. It is so much like being in High school all over again. All the people like me(the dorks, geeks, loosers) know that we feel this way. But, the cool people don't get it. If you were to approach them and say something, they would be at a loss. Thinking nothing of the sort; even though numerous clients have been lost over the Clique, the "cult" that has become crossfit.
At least I have my lulu to help me fit in; crap never mind, it isn't all the latest styles. I know that people say they don't notice what people are wearing, and I agree but it is just one more conversation that I am not a part of! I am still wearing last years lulu and have not gone into credit card debt buying all the latest styles.
Yes, I have fallen out of love with the people as a whole. There are a few that I think are genuine and real. The few that I think would still be my friend if I left the box. But, I am pretty sure that most wouldn't notice if I was gone and a lot would be willing to discuss in detail that doesn't even exist as to why I left.
THE SPORT OR THE PEOPLE?
Do I leave just the box? Do I go try a different box and see how it feels? Maybe it would be a better fit. Or, do I go back to what I used to do. Back to the good old days. Running in the morning with the hubby. Body building in the afternoon. Teaching at night. I worked out a lot more then, but I was happy, and I was fit; hell, I even ate oatmeal and peanut butter in the morning. Those were the days!
Either way, it is a huge decision. Whatever choice I make it is going to be for me. I am sure "talk" will get interesting but that is a good way to find out who my TRUE friends are.
I feel alive and invigorated that I am finally ready to make this change. Maybe getting Mono was a blessing. Forcing me to take a step back and re-evaluate my life and how I am spending my time.
Life is way to precious to be spending time doing things that make us miserable. I am ready to make myself happy. It is time to live for me, my happiness, my family, my life.
~Dusti
Pre- Crossfit
Post-Crossfit
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