Feeling invigorated.

Wow, I feel invigorated; at least I think I do. I have been doing Crossfit for over 3 years now, doing it and coaching it; kind of, I have been more of a shadow when the real deal wants a day off.  I am done; I am officially on a break.

I am a competitive person and always have been.  Not competitive with sports, but with myself; I want to be the best that I can be.  Anything that I do, I am going to do RIGHT; I am going to be amazing, I will not half ASS anything.  This is one of the reason's that I don't quilt with my mom.  Even though it would be a great way to spend time with her, and I am sure I could quilt if I tried; I wouldn't be good at it and I really wouldn't enjoy it.  Knowing that I like to succeed at what I do, when I got married I knew that I would give Erik my heart; all of it.  I would do my best to make him happy at all times, I would sacrifice any and all things for him.  When we decided to have children, I knew that I would do everything in my power to be an amazing mother.  It is impossible to be a perfect mother, I know this.  But, I sure as hell am going to try.  I will do anything for those boys, but not too much; obviously as their mom I have to teach them.  I love to cook and think I am pretty damn good at it, I try and I fail and I try, and I succeed.  I am a massage therapist when I do this, usually just the boys at night;  I put my all into that.  I get to see the massage drunk look on their faces when they get done with their massage; I love that.  The list goes on and on.  Things that I can do.  Things that I work hard at.  A lot of times I do these things and I succeed the first time.  Most of them I attempt a few times only to fail and have to try over and over again.  No matter how many times I try and fail, or try and succeed there is always a sense of accomplishment and pride at the effort that I have put into the task.

Everything BUT Crossfit, that is a big BUT seeings how I have spent a lot of time with it over the last few years.

I don't know if it is the sport of Crossfit that I have fallen out of love with or the box that I go to but I have fallen out of love with something and I have been too afraid to figure out what it is.  Well, now is the day that I take a step back and try to figure it out.  Which is it?  The sport or the people? Or, maybe my attitude toward the people.  Either way, it is time to go in another direction.

THE SPORT:
It is hard, it is competitive, and it is SO challenging.  Everyone is there together doing the same thing at the same time.  Ages range from they very young to the.........not so very young at all but at least they are trying.  There are also many different fitness levels.  Some people have never stepped foot inside a gym while some are seasoned veterans.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses and they are all different.

As the wod(workout of the day) is presented to you, you can choose to do it as prescribed(rx) or you can modify it to suit your own needs.  It is fine to modify, not everyone can do a kipping pull up, or a muscle up, push up, o.h. squat......ect, ect........So you modify.

The wods are also timed or scored which is for your own benefit so that you can chart your growth.  How you get faster or how your weight on the bar gets heavier.

As time goes on you are expected to learn and grow.  Heck, you are even expected to fail; how are you going to learn and grow if you don't occasionally fail?

Now, we are still looking at crossfit, the sport and my lack of love for it.  As a coach you would expect me to be able to coach the class.  If the WOD is:
5 rounds of:
3 muscle ups
6 toes to bar
9 chest to bar
12 over head squats

I would go thru each movement with the class.  Demonstrating each movement and also how to scale each movement to suit their needs.  It would be understandable if I had just injured my shoulder and could not execute these movements.  But, if I am not injured and am completely unable to demonstrate these, it poses a bit of a problem.  In a couple ways.  1.  I look like a hypocrite.  How embarrassing that I cannot perform any of the moves that I expect the class to do.  How horrible is it that most of the people can do the movement and I am one of the few that cannot.  2.  What do the other coaches (the bosses) think of a coach that can't coach.  I am forced to wonder how they feel about that and can't help but think that they have little or no respect for me because of this.  I would feel that they would have some respect if I was on my way to learning these movements.  But, because I am no where near being on my way or even trying I am sure there is a little judgement passed.
**Oh, why am I not trying you ask?  Because it is not worth it to me.  After popping one boob(yes, I popped my boob, the day after doing Fran and kipping all of my pull ups.  I knew it felt wrong but I continued; I wanted to RX) and blowing out a shoulder(OH squats, once again I knew I had a bum shoulder and shouldn't do it, but the constant questions as to WHY? I didn't do oh squats and the look of disbelief in the coaches faces when I told them.  I am fairly certain that they never believed that I have bad shoulders).  There are a few movements that compromise my health and  I am not willing to risk myself over it.

Now, as an athlete; not a coach would this be different?  Yes, kind of.  As an athlete it is me against myself and that is it.  I can modify every single day at almost every wod and that is okay.  Where the challenge came for me is that I wasn't growing and changing as an athlete.  At least not enough to matter.  I was coming in last at every wod and this became hard on my ego.  To see new people come in and still beat my time day after day, wod after wod is REALLY hard.  If a crossfit athlete could imagine the same thing and be honest with themselves, I know that they would struggle with it just as much as I do.

So, as far as falling out of love with the sport I have completely fallen out of love.  If any other part of my life made me as sad as the sport of Crossfit does.  When the bad days far out number the good days, It tells me that there needs to be a change.

So you would think; what about your friends?  What about the relationships that you have formed?  This brings us to the second part.

THE PEOPLE:

I have never struggled with a group of people so much in my life.  I love them and hate them all at the same time.

People think that I am an open book, that I post everything about my life on facebook and put it all out there for the world to see.  Boy are they wrong, I put on facebook what I want people to see; that is it.

Crossfit isn't just about working out.  You don't JUST walk into the box and then go home when the wod is done.  It is so much more than that.  The "more than that" part is a lot of the reason that so many people love crossfit.  The community of crossfit, it draws people in.

I choose my family over the community of crossfit.  I always have.  I love the people that I have met thru crossfit, they are great people.  But, if on a Friday night I can be with my husband and kids or go sit in a house with a bunch of crossfitters.......I am going to pick home with my kids.  Sometimes I wish I could be more social, go to clubs, go shopping at lulu, hang out at starbucks, do weekend runs, events, and races.  I sometimes wish I could or would do that, but if I did that it would mean I wasn't with my family; even if my family came with me and hung out with the cool crossfitters-am I really WITH my family?  No, they are just there in the background.

So, the people; they are great, they are wonderful.  But if I don't hit all the "cool" things then guess what happens at the box?  I stand there not knowing what is going on and not a part of the "cool" conversation and inside jokes. The group is standing around going over the wod and talking about......blah blah this and blah blah that.  It is so much like being in High school all over again.  All the people like me(the dorks, geeks, loosers) know that we feel this way.  But, the cool people don't get it.  If you were to approach them and say something, they would be at a loss.  Thinking nothing of the sort; even though numerous clients have been lost over the Clique, the "cult" that has become crossfit.

At least I have my lulu to help me fit in; crap never mind, it isn't all the latest styles.  I know that people say they don't notice what people are wearing, and I agree but it is just one more conversation that I am not a part of!  I am still wearing last years lulu and have not gone into credit card debt buying all the latest styles.

Yes, I have fallen out of love with the people as a whole.  There are a few that I think are genuine and real.  The few that I think would still be my friend if I left the box. But, I am pretty sure that most wouldn't notice if I was gone and a lot would be willing to discuss in detail that doesn't even exist as to why I left.

THE SPORT OR THE PEOPLE?

Do I leave just the box?  Do I go try a different box and see how it feels?  Maybe it would be a better fit.  Or, do I go back to what I used to do.  Back to the good old days.  Running in the morning with the hubby.  Body building in the afternoon.  Teaching at night.  I worked out a lot more then, but I was happy, and I was fit; hell, I even ate oatmeal and peanut butter in the morning.  Those were the days!

Either way, it is a huge decision.  Whatever choice I make it is going to be for me.  I am sure "talk" will get interesting but that is a good way to find out who my TRUE friends are.

I feel alive and invigorated that I am finally ready to make this change.  Maybe getting Mono was a blessing.  Forcing me to take a step back and re-evaluate my life and how I am spending my time.

Life is way to precious to be spending time doing things that make us miserable.  I am ready to make myself happy.  It is time to live for me, my happiness, my family, my life.

~Dusti

                                                                       
                                                                   Pre- Crossfit

 
                                                                   Post-Crossfit

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my husband; who provides for me financially,emotionally, and physically. With out him I would not be me.

I am thankful for my boys, for the constant reality check that they provide. For the difference in their personalities; they keep me on my toes.

I am thankful for my family who I don't see enough, but really probably see too much!
My mother for raising me and spoiling me(when I was young, not so much now). My father for raising me and always keeping a level head(except the one time I swore at you and you chest bumped me across the bathroom). My 3 brothers for being who they are, each of them as individual as my twins.

I am thankful for my home even though I have to clean it, my health even though I bust my ass for it, 

my happiness even though I struggle daily to keep it afloat.

I am thankful for the news that reminds me just how good I have it and how lucky I am, the 

government for keeping me safe, the veterans who fight for my freedom.

I am thankful for the little things; diet coke, saltwater taffy, dominoes pizza. family walks on the blvd, 

bike rides at lagoon, swimming. Tropical vacations. Snuggling in bed on the weekend. A hot fire, A good book. A hug from carter. A morning smile from Riley.

Most of all, I am thankful for life and the opportunity to live it!

How long?

Wow, I know it has been forever.  A whole football season has come and gone, half of summer and we are starting winter; 30 inches of snow this last weekend.

I don't even know how to play catch up, so I won't!  I will just start and by start I am going to tell you about our new blessing; cheesy I know, but she is:

I know it is completely cheesy to say she is a blessing, but;

Erik and I were out on a date, we had to get gas so we headed to costco.  As we drove thru the parking lot we came across a car with puppies for sale.  We stopped!  Now, people stopping to see puppies is no big surprise, but me and Erik stopping is a huge deal.  I knew we were in trouble when we got out to see the puppies and the one puppy that was left was curled up in the back of the car staring at us, she just laid there.  She didn't even get up to greet us, the mom had to send her son into the car to pick her up and bring her to us.  As one typically would with a puppy, you ooo and aaaa as you look at them, that is exactly what we did.  Then we put her down and went on our date.  Now, what was different than a typical puppy encounter for us, is that I went home and researched yorkies.  I was looking for the "cons", I knew the "pro's" she was cute!  But what are the cons?  Yorkies are mousers, this did not help our cause, we have a mouse problem and  have been thinking about getting a cat to help out.  Yorkies are loyal, snuggly, and good with older kids.

No matter how I tried to talk myself out of this dog, I just couldn't do it.  Every time I tried to stop thinking about her I started again.  It was a nasty cycle.  Erik suggested we take the boys down to see her.  So, we did just that.  On a Sunday afternoon in September we headed to their house.  As soon as we walked in the door, I knew I was hooked.  Chloe walked up to us, sniffed us then went and layed in her kennel.

As we sat and talked with the breeders, I was shocked at the questions that Erik was asking.  He is my rock, he is the one who always says NO.  If he says YES, then we have a dog.  WHOA!

Next thing I know he hands over a wad of cash that I didn't even know that he had.  I was shocked!

Well, the rest is history.  We love her, she is amazing.  She is calm, loving, fun, playful.  She is everything that we need when we need it.  She has brought us closer as a family.

So, I feel like I have a baby.  I don't get anything done.  My house isn't as clean as it should be and I have to wake up early.  But, we have this life that depends on us.  She makes us smile and laugh.  she also frieks us out a bit; but, she IS amazing!

This is Chloe, Tipton #5

Who doesn't like hugging?

I hate hugging, even as a little girl I hated hugging.  I did not grow up in a touchy feely family, we did not grow up hugging each other every time we greeted each other, we didn't even hug when one of us would leave for an extended amount of time.  

We didn't hug, I don't like hugging.  When I started dating Erik I remember the first time I went to his home, we weren't even seriously dating; just dating.  When we arrived I saw what was happening; everyone was lining up for their hugs.  I on the other hand backed away, I got this nervous/nauseous ache in my gut as I watched them make their way to me.  I took another step back, my hands started to sweat; I was way out of my comfort zone.  I got out of the hug!  As we departed from that visit the hugging circle happened again; I avoided it again.

The first time Erik and I visited as a married couple I remember being so nervous as we arrived that I was getting a headache.  We got out of the car, I TRIED to avoid the hug.  Erik noticed me stepping back, he whispered in my ear, " this is my family, we are huggers; you will hug all of them."  OUCH.  So one by one I hugged, I hated it.  So much so that I remember crying that night.  My feelings toward hugging have nothing to do with my feelings towards Eriks family; I just don't enjoy hugging.

I still don't hug my own dad who I love more than life itself.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I have hugged him and told him face to face that I love him.  This isn't weird or odd, it's not rude; he knows I love him.  We just don't show our love like that.  I hug my mom a little more than my dad, but not a lot.  We are not huggers!!

Now, fast forward 14 years.  Enter family reunion, Tipton's are pulling up and getting out of their cars.  My stomach knots a little.  Not as bad as it used to, but bad enough that I try to avoid the first hug session.  I never get away with it!  Regardless of my feelings I am forced into yet another hug session. If I don't participate in this hugging experience I get scowled at and Erik is asked later what is wrong with me.  If I don't hug at this first greeting, Erik and I start to fight.  We only fight once a year; this is when we usually start.  So, I hug; but it is never right.  I keep my body too far away, or I pat my hands too much, I let go too quickly, or I miss someone.  Even though I have stepped far out of my comfort zone.  Even though I hate that I am being forced to do something that I am highly uncomfortable with; I do it.  I do however usually manage to get out of the good bye hugs, I just sneak away early; phew!

I have been doing it for 14 years.  My family knows that I don't hug, my friends know that my comfort zone is two arms lengths from my body, even strangers at the gym have figured this out; they all respect it too.  But, for my husband because I love him; I hug his family.  I even try to smile while I do it.  Although the hugging is never good enough, and I almost always get in trouble for somehow doing it wrong.  I still try, I  put forth the effort.  Instead of taking a step back, I take a step forward; and I hug.  Maybe one day I will like it..................nah, probably not; but for him I will continue to be uncomfortable!

Summer parenting!

YIKES

It sucks, sorry it does.  At ten years old they don't really care about spending time with me.  They don't want to do any of the fun summer things that we used to do.  They want to play with friends, and NOT do chores.  That is it!  So if they are not playing, they are fighting, and if they aren't fighting they are trashing my house.

Everyday I am amazed how I can have two boys born at the exact same time, raised the exact same way and have them be so different.  I know that we are all individuals.  I know I am nothing like my brothers and Erik is nothing like his.  But, you would think that I have taught them the same work ethic(or not), the same level of respect to others( or not), and how to be obedient(or not).  So, how is it that I can have one that is a hard worker, very respectful, and completely obedient; then have another that I have to fight on everything.  I am at a loss.............

I have never REALLY had to put my kids in timeout, typically a stern look will get them to behave appropriately.  But, at nearly 11 years old I am throwing one on the bathroom floor into timeout.  I believe I would spank him if he didn't act like he liked it so much(I am a little concerned with that).

I am nervous and worried about the future years and how much I am going to screw up my kids.  It is stressing me out.  Do we give them too much, do we not discipline enough, do we not spend enough time together as a family,  is there too much t.v. watching, too much video games,  too much junk food, not enough vegetables,  are their friends good influence, have we taught them to serve others, have we taught them to love others more than themselves, are we teaching them to work for what they want, teaching them to try, teaching them to fail...........................ah to fail.  So hard to teach your kids to fail in a society where every child gets a trophy!

I know it has always been hard to be a parent, I am not saying it is any harder now than it was 30, 50, or 100 years ago.  But, I wasn't a parent 100 years ago.  I hate knowing that it is me that is going to screw them up.  I hate falling asleep every night saying to myself, "well, that was another sucky day; I should've done this instead of that.  I should've said this instead of that."  I HATE REGRET, and I have had a lot of it lately.

All of what I have just said but worse plays over and over in my head.  But then, after a night of teaching and me playing softball;  another regret, I should have stayed home with the kids and the husband.  So, after 2 hours of selfish time; I started driving home with Carter in the car.  Driving down Main in Bountiful, we got just past 9th north when I saw a tiny little boy on his scooter waiting to cross the street.  I couldn't believe my eyes, he was probably 3 years old.  I drove by, and just as I looked in my rear view mirror he went to step out into traffic to cross.  I slammed my truck into reverse, parked, got out and ran.   Me stopping traffic,  approaching the little boy in the middle of busy Main.  As the two of us started walking back to his house, he crashes on his scooter.  I scoop him up and we keep walking, one full city block; he, at three years old was over a block from his home and crossing a VERY busy street.  I am holding him as we approach his home and I am looking at him.  His knees have old scars, old scabs, and fresh blood.  He has a filthy face, filthy hair, and disgusting clothes.  I can't help but wonder if his mother has even looked at him today.  We approached the home; the door was open, items littered the floor.  It was disgusting, unlivable in my opinion.  As I poked my head in yelling, "hello, I found this little guy down crossing Main".  I saw the parents sitting on the couch watching t.v.  WOW,  the dad was embarrassed and couldn't believe he had gone so far.  I left not saying much and started walking toward my truck.


I am sure they love their child as much as I do mine, I am sure they are providing the best they can.  I know that not everyone keeps their home clean and makes it a priority.  As I am putting my kids to bed that night.  Massaging each of them for 10 minutes because that is their reward if they are in bed before 10 without being asked.  I couldn't help but think, maybe I am doing ok.  As much as they drive me nuts, as much yelling and fighting that goes on.  As frustrated as I get.  As un-loved and un-needed as I feel as a wife and a mother.  At least my three boys know that I love them.  They all know that I am here when they need me, and that I will do anything for them.

So, I will keep plugging away.  One day at a time.  Treading water and trying to keep from drowning in this crazy life that we are living.  I am sure it will get harder before it gets easier, and I probably will fail at a lot of things.  But, as long as I am trying that is all that I can do!

Understanding CrossFit

It is occupying so much of my life lately I can't help but try to explain it a little better.

CROSSFIT
Constantly varied
High Intensity
Functional movement

The program delivers a fitness that is, by design, broad, general, and inclusive.  Crossfits specialty is NOT specializing.  We go in to a wod(work out of the day) ready for anything, and with the mindset that nothing should stop us.  Wind, snow, sleet, rain, heat; we go!

The CrossFit program is designed for scalability making it possible for anyone; from the Elite athlete, the house mom down the street, or the grandpa from next door!

Now that that is out of the way:

Everyone has been hearing a lot about crossfit since the games last year, Reebok picked them up, advertising started, and it seems that CrossFit has become a common household name; I know it has in ours.  

About three years ago I found myself dragging thru my normal workouts, I was bored with lifting weights.  I had been doing it for so long that I felt like I wasn't getting results anymore.  I didn't even want to lift which was odd seeings how I was so passionate about it.  I needed a change.  

My friend Kathy had left the gym and started training out of her sisters basement, I saw people coming into the gym who had been training with her and their bodies were changing drastically.  I knew I needed to know what she was doing.  It was hard for me to call another personal trainer and say hey, I suck, I can't get myself into the shape I want; would you train me.  Because Kathy is the nicest person in the world she made dialing her phone number the hardest part; the conversation was easy.

Kathy and Liz were doing CrossFit in her basement, it shocked me a little.  I didn't like having my Ass handed to me every time I worked out, I thought I was stronger than that.  What I did like is being pushed, being challenged, and having butterflies in my stomach for 30 minutes before my wod like I used to.  

After a few months of training in their basement Kat told me they were going to open a CrossFit, she wanted me to get certified so that I could help out when needed.  I jumped at the opportunity, not an opportunity to make money or have a "job" but the opportunity to change myself and become a better person.

17 months later here we are

The CrossFit games started 4 weeks ago,  I train like an athlete but am in no way one.  I put in the time, and then some.  Just because I train like one does not mean I would enter the games......EVER.  But I did!  Kathy didn't give me a choice, she said that I needed the games to push me to try things that I wasn't trying.  More important I needed the games to help me "feel" what the community of CrossFit was all about.

The community of CrossFit is why I am writing this.  Crossfit has this thing, an energy, a feeling, a passion.  It is the only place you can go on a daily basis and experience so many emotions.  You always fear the box(crossfit), you fear the wod, you fear the bar.  You fear movements you wish you could do but don't think you can.  You fear getting hurt, you fear peeing your pants while jumping onto a box or trying a double under.  But that fear isn't going to keep us from going to the Box.  The people who are there, at any box, in any city, state, or country; the people who are there know how hard it is and know how rewarding it is to try.  That is why we go, the people; they give us the drive to try, and maybe fail.  It is the only time in our life that it feels okay to fail at something.  What is cool is that we don't always fail and that keeps us coming back for more.  We come back because the last time we tried to back squat 200 pounds five times you got it and it felt so good that we want to try for more.  We come back because 2 months ago we couldn't snatch a training bar, but last night you got 75 pounds.  It's amazing

So, what happens is we get so excited about what is happening for that one little hour a day.  We are learning and growing so much that we talk about it.  We come home and tell our spouses, we facebook our progress, we try and show you what we can do.  It isn't meant to be braggy or arrogant trust me, because no matter what WE are doing; somebody else, at some other box in some other country is doing it a lot better.  We are telling you because we want to share with you the excitement that we are feeling.  It is like when a child goes poo in the toilet for the first time, they tell everyone because they are so excited.  Everyone doesn't really want to know, but EVERYONE pretends to be excited for the sake of the child.

The Community of CrossFit is a wonderful thing, it will never take place of my family.  It does however offer me something that I can't get anywhere else.  A sense of belonging, a sense of accomplishment; something that you don't get a lot of as an adult and especially as a stay at home mom.  

There are two weeks left in the Crossfit open, two more workouts that will challenge me and make me a better person.  I knew when I entered the games I wasn't competing to WIN, I was competing to CHANGE.  I was competing to push myself to try new things, and I did.

NewPort Beach

We had the opportunity to go to Newport beach for a week, of course we couldn't pass it by.  Because the trip was so spontaneous and such a great deal we wanted to try and spend as little money as possible; so we drove, YIKES.  It is a WAY long drive.  But, the gas is free and the bubbas were amazing.  

We stayed in a 2 bedroom condo at the Mariott Villas, it is an amazing resort; if the price was right it would be a kick trash family reunion.  The weather was just about perfect, a little chilly near the ocean but bikini worthy while poolside.

We chose to lay low for the most part, the only thing that we chose to do was drive up to Universal studios for a few hours one day, it was an absolute blast.  Because it was the off season there was no one there.  Most rides we were the only people on them and there was never any line.  

We couldn't be so close to San Gabriel and not go see Grandma Bonham.  After finishing our day at Universal we took a short drive over to where she is being cared for.  How great it was to see her, how special for the boys to be able to see her.  She was asleep when we arrived(at 6:30) so we woke her.  She seemed very pleased to see us, even more so to see the boys.  Her eyes lit up when she saw them, I am sure she doesn't know who they are but you could tell that she knew they were somebody special, she was so happy to be in the company of kids.  I didn't know Grandma B very well but from the way she looked at the boys I am sure that she loved children and that they hold a special place in her heart.   I realize that when she woke the next morning she probably didn't remember us being there, but I hope that maybe she felt at peace as she slept and when she woke in the morning.  I know seeing her meant a lot to Erik, and hopefully was something that the boys will never forget.

All in all the mini-vaca was a good one, it reminds us why we all love each other and how well we get along when the responsibilities of life aren't there to weigh us down and stress us out.  Here are a few pictures of us at the beach and Universal!  I hope you enjoy.