I am Strong

After posting " A change of Seasons, a Change of Attitude"  I came across this on a website that I frequent,  it made me cry.  It was so fitting for the way that I have felt lately, it is really fitting in the crossfit community.  I know that most of you don't "get" crossfit, you don't understand why we love it so much.  Why we always come back for more.  It has changed my life and the way that I look at fitness and the way I look at my body.  I have always had a muscular build, even when I wanted and tried to be skinny I couldn't do it; it was physically impossible.  Crossfit has made it okay for me to have my big muscles.  Crossfit has made big muscles on women sexy.  But it is hard, everyday there is a new challenge; a heavier weight, a new move, a longer distance.  Then when I think that I have got it something new is thrown my way, then some hot 20 something girl comes in and gets her double under and pistol squat on her first try while I have been working on mine for a year.  I love Crossfit because it DOES give me a challenge, as a stay at home mom I don't have a lot of challenges; besides bedtime!  I love Crossfit, even when I don't.

Remind me I am strong. Please.

Most days, I know this.In spades, as my mom would say. I know I am strong like I know my front squat max or the movements in Fran. Usually remembering my strength is not a problem.

But sometimes I forget.

When the world gets overwhelming. When everybody needs something from me and nothing I do is on time, or enough, or even close to adequate.

I know these faults, these shortcomings, these glaring errors that yawn in their enormity, are most likely illusions in my own brain. But still they are there, gnawing at me, reminding me that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough.

So, do me a favor and remind me of something better. On those days when you see me slump a little, or falter, or my eyes seem kind of wet for no reason. These are the days that I’m weak inside and the world is simply too much, the weight is too heavy, and the pace seems so fast. On these days, remind me that I’m strong and I’ll stomp those doubts and I’ll come through.

It’s only a simple statement and I only need it once, maybe with a hand on the shoulder. “Hey, you are strong.”

It’ll carry me farther than you’ll ever know.

Happy Halloween!

Change of Seasons, change of attitude.

Fall is definitely in the air with winter just around the corner.  Football is nearing its end, Halloween is over, Flu shots have been given.  Typically I don't start feeling "down" or "depressed" until halfway thru January.  This year has been different, I already feel bummed out and like I just want to lay in bed all day.

As a stay at home mom there is not a way to measure my success; there is no paycheck.  I have always felt if my kids and husband are happy, if they are fed, and my house is clean(really clean) I am doing my job.  Personally, if I am eating clean and at the top of my game physically; if my workouts are on and I am teaching good classes than I am succeeding.

Well, my eating is not as clean as I want it, I feel like I am never accomplishing what I want at the gym.  I am stumbling thru all of my classes; I try and talk myself out of working out because I am no longer the best at what I do.  I am not happy with the way I look; because I know I can look better.  My house is never spotless anymore; dishes, laundry, yard work, homework.  Everything is piling up and I don't want to do it.

Something has got to change; how did I used to do it?  How did I use to say NO to the sweets, how did I count my calories and eat clean ALL the time, How did I drink a gallon of water a day?  How did I want to sweep and vacuum and mop and make my house so clean that people would ask if we "really" lived here.  What has changed?  What am I doing different?

Crossfit has started a new challenge this month, the 21 day challenge.  Normally I would look past all the details but this one caught my eye.

PART I
Pick at least 1 and no more than 3 food/beverage that is contributing to the decline of your health. These will be avoided for the first 21 days of November – completely. This will be a food/beverage that you know should be eliminated, but you justify/rationalize keeping.
PART II
Because health is much more than just the food we eat or don’t eat:
Pick at least one and no more than 3 activities/habits that are contributing to the decline of your health. These could be things you need to eliminate OR ADD to your life. For example; not getting enough sleep due to lack of effort (ADD sleep to your weekly routine)…texting while driving (ELIMINATE during the Challenge!)….not showing up for running/rowing wods because you hate or are not good at running/rowing (ADD running/rowing at least 2x per week)…not spending enough time with family due to work/TV/computer (do you really need this reminder??). These are just a few examples, they key in Part II is not only about eliminating the bad stuff, but also incorporating the good stuff – the kind of stuff that can enrich our life.


So this one I decided to take seriously; I knew the diet part that I wanted to do. I picked two things:
1. Eat clean, I know how to eat clean I did it for years.  I have been coaching people to eat clean for years successfully.  I have been lazy, I have been letting those around me pull me down and dictate what I put in my body.  I have been pulling myself down.
2.  Only 1 diet soda a day.  I drink WAY too much soda, for the past couple years I have felt that drinking 8+ cans of soda a day is better than drinking other "drinks" that I could be putting into my body.  I have been justifying it.  NO MORE.


The non-diet part I put a little more time and thought into it.  I had to think what has been different this year, why am I not happy?  What am I doing or not doing that is new?  FACEBOOK!
1. NO FACEBOOK:  I started facebook less than a year ago.  I spend a lot of time on facebook, when things happen or I hear something cool I think "I need to post this".  It also makes me feel a bit inadequate in a weird way.  I see all these women posting tons of pictures of themselves out with their girlfriends, they are at clubs, restaurants, bars, concerts.  I don't want to do these things, when given the choice I will always pick being with my family. But, it makes me feel that maybe I am doing something wrong.  Maybe I am the weird one making the strange choice by spending time with my family instead of my friends.  Am I weird because I don't do these things that so many other women do?  Is there something wrong with me because I don't have the desire for a "girls night'?  
The decision was easy, NO FACEBOOK for 21 days; if I am happy at the end of 21 days I will not get on it again.
2. No texting and driving, it is not safe and I am setting a bad example for my boys.
3. No scale, I don't know why I weigh myself.  I weigh A LOT, I always have and I probably always will.  Looking in the mirror and the way my clothes fit should be enough.  The scale got thrown out!


I don't know if these small goals will make me happy.  I don't know if these are the things that are making me unhappy.  I DO know that I felt amazing yesterday, I was so productive, I got so much done.  I felt like a better person, a better wife, and a better mother.  I was shocked at how often I wanted to go check facebook, it is a habit.  I found myself thinking of it all the time.  I couldn't believe all the free time I had.  Instead of sitting on the computer I accomplished so many other things.  I did things that used to be good habits that had gotten replace by computer time.  I felt like instead of being lazy I was doing my part as a wife and a mother.  I realized in one day that I had been feeling guilty for the time that I had been spending on facebook.  I felt guilty because I knew that while my husband was hard at work I was sitting on my butt facebooking instead of maintaining a home and family.  That guilt is what has been making me unhappy.  


I hope the next 20 days are as good as the first.