Feeling invigorated.

Wow, I feel invigorated; at least I think I do. I have been doing Crossfit for over 3 years now, doing it and coaching it; kind of, I have been more of a shadow when the real deal wants a day off.  I am done; I am officially on a break.

I am a competitive person and always have been.  Not competitive with sports, but with myself; I want to be the best that I can be.  Anything that I do, I am going to do RIGHT; I am going to be amazing, I will not half ASS anything.  This is one of the reason's that I don't quilt with my mom.  Even though it would be a great way to spend time with her, and I am sure I could quilt if I tried; I wouldn't be good at it and I really wouldn't enjoy it.  Knowing that I like to succeed at what I do, when I got married I knew that I would give Erik my heart; all of it.  I would do my best to make him happy at all times, I would sacrifice any and all things for him.  When we decided to have children, I knew that I would do everything in my power to be an amazing mother.  It is impossible to be a perfect mother, I know this.  But, I sure as hell am going to try.  I will do anything for those boys, but not too much; obviously as their mom I have to teach them.  I love to cook and think I am pretty damn good at it, I try and I fail and I try, and I succeed.  I am a massage therapist when I do this, usually just the boys at night;  I put my all into that.  I get to see the massage drunk look on their faces when they get done with their massage; I love that.  The list goes on and on.  Things that I can do.  Things that I work hard at.  A lot of times I do these things and I succeed the first time.  Most of them I attempt a few times only to fail and have to try over and over again.  No matter how many times I try and fail, or try and succeed there is always a sense of accomplishment and pride at the effort that I have put into the task.

Everything BUT Crossfit, that is a big BUT seeings how I have spent a lot of time with it over the last few years.

I don't know if it is the sport of Crossfit that I have fallen out of love with or the box that I go to but I have fallen out of love with something and I have been too afraid to figure out what it is.  Well, now is the day that I take a step back and try to figure it out.  Which is it?  The sport or the people? Or, maybe my attitude toward the people.  Either way, it is time to go in another direction.

THE SPORT:
It is hard, it is competitive, and it is SO challenging.  Everyone is there together doing the same thing at the same time.  Ages range from they very young to the.........not so very young at all but at least they are trying.  There are also many different fitness levels.  Some people have never stepped foot inside a gym while some are seasoned veterans.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses and they are all different.

As the wod(workout of the day) is presented to you, you can choose to do it as prescribed(rx) or you can modify it to suit your own needs.  It is fine to modify, not everyone can do a kipping pull up, or a muscle up, push up, o.h. squat......ect, ect........So you modify.

The wods are also timed or scored which is for your own benefit so that you can chart your growth.  How you get faster or how your weight on the bar gets heavier.

As time goes on you are expected to learn and grow.  Heck, you are even expected to fail; how are you going to learn and grow if you don't occasionally fail?

Now, we are still looking at crossfit, the sport and my lack of love for it.  As a coach you would expect me to be able to coach the class.  If the WOD is:
5 rounds of:
3 muscle ups
6 toes to bar
9 chest to bar
12 over head squats

I would go thru each movement with the class.  Demonstrating each movement and also how to scale each movement to suit their needs.  It would be understandable if I had just injured my shoulder and could not execute these movements.  But, if I am not injured and am completely unable to demonstrate these, it poses a bit of a problem.  In a couple ways.  1.  I look like a hypocrite.  How embarrassing that I cannot perform any of the moves that I expect the class to do.  How horrible is it that most of the people can do the movement and I am one of the few that cannot.  2.  What do the other coaches (the bosses) think of a coach that can't coach.  I am forced to wonder how they feel about that and can't help but think that they have little or no respect for me because of this.  I would feel that they would have some respect if I was on my way to learning these movements.  But, because I am no where near being on my way or even trying I am sure there is a little judgement passed.
**Oh, why am I not trying you ask?  Because it is not worth it to me.  After popping one boob(yes, I popped my boob, the day after doing Fran and kipping all of my pull ups.  I knew it felt wrong but I continued; I wanted to RX) and blowing out a shoulder(OH squats, once again I knew I had a bum shoulder and shouldn't do it, but the constant questions as to WHY? I didn't do oh squats and the look of disbelief in the coaches faces when I told them.  I am fairly certain that they never believed that I have bad shoulders).  There are a few movements that compromise my health and  I am not willing to risk myself over it.

Now, as an athlete; not a coach would this be different?  Yes, kind of.  As an athlete it is me against myself and that is it.  I can modify every single day at almost every wod and that is okay.  Where the challenge came for me is that I wasn't growing and changing as an athlete.  At least not enough to matter.  I was coming in last at every wod and this became hard on my ego.  To see new people come in and still beat my time day after day, wod after wod is REALLY hard.  If a crossfit athlete could imagine the same thing and be honest with themselves, I know that they would struggle with it just as much as I do.

So, as far as falling out of love with the sport I have completely fallen out of love.  If any other part of my life made me as sad as the sport of Crossfit does.  When the bad days far out number the good days, It tells me that there needs to be a change.

So you would think; what about your friends?  What about the relationships that you have formed?  This brings us to the second part.

THE PEOPLE:

I have never struggled with a group of people so much in my life.  I love them and hate them all at the same time.

People think that I am an open book, that I post everything about my life on facebook and put it all out there for the world to see.  Boy are they wrong, I put on facebook what I want people to see; that is it.

Crossfit isn't just about working out.  You don't JUST walk into the box and then go home when the wod is done.  It is so much more than that.  The "more than that" part is a lot of the reason that so many people love crossfit.  The community of crossfit, it draws people in.

I choose my family over the community of crossfit.  I always have.  I love the people that I have met thru crossfit, they are great people.  But, if on a Friday night I can be with my husband and kids or go sit in a house with a bunch of crossfitters.......I am going to pick home with my kids.  Sometimes I wish I could be more social, go to clubs, go shopping at lulu, hang out at starbucks, do weekend runs, events, and races.  I sometimes wish I could or would do that, but if I did that it would mean I wasn't with my family; even if my family came with me and hung out with the cool crossfitters-am I really WITH my family?  No, they are just there in the background.

So, the people; they are great, they are wonderful.  But if I don't hit all the "cool" things then guess what happens at the box?  I stand there not knowing what is going on and not a part of the "cool" conversation and inside jokes. The group is standing around going over the wod and talking about......blah blah this and blah blah that.  It is so much like being in High school all over again.  All the people like me(the dorks, geeks, loosers) know that we feel this way.  But, the cool people don't get it.  If you were to approach them and say something, they would be at a loss.  Thinking nothing of the sort; even though numerous clients have been lost over the Clique, the "cult" that has become crossfit.

At least I have my lulu to help me fit in; crap never mind, it isn't all the latest styles.  I know that people say they don't notice what people are wearing, and I agree but it is just one more conversation that I am not a part of!  I am still wearing last years lulu and have not gone into credit card debt buying all the latest styles.

Yes, I have fallen out of love with the people as a whole.  There are a few that I think are genuine and real.  The few that I think would still be my friend if I left the box. But, I am pretty sure that most wouldn't notice if I was gone and a lot would be willing to discuss in detail that doesn't even exist as to why I left.

THE SPORT OR THE PEOPLE?

Do I leave just the box?  Do I go try a different box and see how it feels?  Maybe it would be a better fit.  Or, do I go back to what I used to do.  Back to the good old days.  Running in the morning with the hubby.  Body building in the afternoon.  Teaching at night.  I worked out a lot more then, but I was happy, and I was fit; hell, I even ate oatmeal and peanut butter in the morning.  Those were the days!

Either way, it is a huge decision.  Whatever choice I make it is going to be for me.  I am sure "talk" will get interesting but that is a good way to find out who my TRUE friends are.

I feel alive and invigorated that I am finally ready to make this change.  Maybe getting Mono was a blessing.  Forcing me to take a step back and re-evaluate my life and how I am spending my time.

Life is way to precious to be spending time doing things that make us miserable.  I am ready to make myself happy.  It is time to live for me, my happiness, my family, my life.

~Dusti

                                                                       
                                                                   Pre- Crossfit

 
                                                                   Post-Crossfit

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my husband; who provides for me financially,emotionally, and physically. With out him I would not be me.

I am thankful for my boys, for the constant reality check that they provide. For the difference in their personalities; they keep me on my toes.

I am thankful for my family who I don't see enough, but really probably see too much!
My mother for raising me and spoiling me(when I was young, not so much now). My father for raising me and always keeping a level head(except the one time I swore at you and you chest bumped me across the bathroom). My 3 brothers for being who they are, each of them as individual as my twins.

I am thankful for my home even though I have to clean it, my health even though I bust my ass for it, 

my happiness even though I struggle daily to keep it afloat.

I am thankful for the news that reminds me just how good I have it and how lucky I am, the 

government for keeping me safe, the veterans who fight for my freedom.

I am thankful for the little things; diet coke, saltwater taffy, dominoes pizza. family walks on the blvd, 

bike rides at lagoon, swimming. Tropical vacations. Snuggling in bed on the weekend. A hot fire, A good book. A hug from carter. A morning smile from Riley.

Most of all, I am thankful for life and the opportunity to live it!

How long?

Wow, I know it has been forever.  A whole football season has come and gone, half of summer and we are starting winter; 30 inches of snow this last weekend.

I don't even know how to play catch up, so I won't!  I will just start and by start I am going to tell you about our new blessing; cheesy I know, but she is:

I know it is completely cheesy to say she is a blessing, but;

Erik and I were out on a date, we had to get gas so we headed to costco.  As we drove thru the parking lot we came across a car with puppies for sale.  We stopped!  Now, people stopping to see puppies is no big surprise, but me and Erik stopping is a huge deal.  I knew we were in trouble when we got out to see the puppies and the one puppy that was left was curled up in the back of the car staring at us, she just laid there.  She didn't even get up to greet us, the mom had to send her son into the car to pick her up and bring her to us.  As one typically would with a puppy, you ooo and aaaa as you look at them, that is exactly what we did.  Then we put her down and went on our date.  Now, what was different than a typical puppy encounter for us, is that I went home and researched yorkies.  I was looking for the "cons", I knew the "pro's" she was cute!  But what are the cons?  Yorkies are mousers, this did not help our cause, we have a mouse problem and  have been thinking about getting a cat to help out.  Yorkies are loyal, snuggly, and good with older kids.

No matter how I tried to talk myself out of this dog, I just couldn't do it.  Every time I tried to stop thinking about her I started again.  It was a nasty cycle.  Erik suggested we take the boys down to see her.  So, we did just that.  On a Sunday afternoon in September we headed to their house.  As soon as we walked in the door, I knew I was hooked.  Chloe walked up to us, sniffed us then went and layed in her kennel.

As we sat and talked with the breeders, I was shocked at the questions that Erik was asking.  He is my rock, he is the one who always says NO.  If he says YES, then we have a dog.  WHOA!

Next thing I know he hands over a wad of cash that I didn't even know that he had.  I was shocked!

Well, the rest is history.  We love her, she is amazing.  She is calm, loving, fun, playful.  She is everything that we need when we need it.  She has brought us closer as a family.

So, I feel like I have a baby.  I don't get anything done.  My house isn't as clean as it should be and I have to wake up early.  But, we have this life that depends on us.  She makes us smile and laugh.  she also frieks us out a bit; but, she IS amazing!

This is Chloe, Tipton #5

Who doesn't like hugging?

I hate hugging, even as a little girl I hated hugging.  I did not grow up in a touchy feely family, we did not grow up hugging each other every time we greeted each other, we didn't even hug when one of us would leave for an extended amount of time.  

We didn't hug, I don't like hugging.  When I started dating Erik I remember the first time I went to his home, we weren't even seriously dating; just dating.  When we arrived I saw what was happening; everyone was lining up for their hugs.  I on the other hand backed away, I got this nervous/nauseous ache in my gut as I watched them make their way to me.  I took another step back, my hands started to sweat; I was way out of my comfort zone.  I got out of the hug!  As we departed from that visit the hugging circle happened again; I avoided it again.

The first time Erik and I visited as a married couple I remember being so nervous as we arrived that I was getting a headache.  We got out of the car, I TRIED to avoid the hug.  Erik noticed me stepping back, he whispered in my ear, " this is my family, we are huggers; you will hug all of them."  OUCH.  So one by one I hugged, I hated it.  So much so that I remember crying that night.  My feelings toward hugging have nothing to do with my feelings towards Eriks family; I just don't enjoy hugging.

I still don't hug my own dad who I love more than life itself.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I have hugged him and told him face to face that I love him.  This isn't weird or odd, it's not rude; he knows I love him.  We just don't show our love like that.  I hug my mom a little more than my dad, but not a lot.  We are not huggers!!

Now, fast forward 14 years.  Enter family reunion, Tipton's are pulling up and getting out of their cars.  My stomach knots a little.  Not as bad as it used to, but bad enough that I try to avoid the first hug session.  I never get away with it!  Regardless of my feelings I am forced into yet another hug session. If I don't participate in this hugging experience I get scowled at and Erik is asked later what is wrong with me.  If I don't hug at this first greeting, Erik and I start to fight.  We only fight once a year; this is when we usually start.  So, I hug; but it is never right.  I keep my body too far away, or I pat my hands too much, I let go too quickly, or I miss someone.  Even though I have stepped far out of my comfort zone.  Even though I hate that I am being forced to do something that I am highly uncomfortable with; I do it.  I do however usually manage to get out of the good bye hugs, I just sneak away early; phew!

I have been doing it for 14 years.  My family knows that I don't hug, my friends know that my comfort zone is two arms lengths from my body, even strangers at the gym have figured this out; they all respect it too.  But, for my husband because I love him; I hug his family.  I even try to smile while I do it.  Although the hugging is never good enough, and I almost always get in trouble for somehow doing it wrong.  I still try, I  put forth the effort.  Instead of taking a step back, I take a step forward; and I hug.  Maybe one day I will like it..................nah, probably not; but for him I will continue to be uncomfortable!

Summer parenting!

YIKES

It sucks, sorry it does.  At ten years old they don't really care about spending time with me.  They don't want to do any of the fun summer things that we used to do.  They want to play with friends, and NOT do chores.  That is it!  So if they are not playing, they are fighting, and if they aren't fighting they are trashing my house.

Everyday I am amazed how I can have two boys born at the exact same time, raised the exact same way and have them be so different.  I know that we are all individuals.  I know I am nothing like my brothers and Erik is nothing like his.  But, you would think that I have taught them the same work ethic(or not), the same level of respect to others( or not), and how to be obedient(or not).  So, how is it that I can have one that is a hard worker, very respectful, and completely obedient; then have another that I have to fight on everything.  I am at a loss.............

I have never REALLY had to put my kids in timeout, typically a stern look will get them to behave appropriately.  But, at nearly 11 years old I am throwing one on the bathroom floor into timeout.  I believe I would spank him if he didn't act like he liked it so much(I am a little concerned with that).

I am nervous and worried about the future years and how much I am going to screw up my kids.  It is stressing me out.  Do we give them too much, do we not discipline enough, do we not spend enough time together as a family,  is there too much t.v. watching, too much video games,  too much junk food, not enough vegetables,  are their friends good influence, have we taught them to serve others, have we taught them to love others more than themselves, are we teaching them to work for what they want, teaching them to try, teaching them to fail...........................ah to fail.  So hard to teach your kids to fail in a society where every child gets a trophy!

I know it has always been hard to be a parent, I am not saying it is any harder now than it was 30, 50, or 100 years ago.  But, I wasn't a parent 100 years ago.  I hate knowing that it is me that is going to screw them up.  I hate falling asleep every night saying to myself, "well, that was another sucky day; I should've done this instead of that.  I should've said this instead of that."  I HATE REGRET, and I have had a lot of it lately.

All of what I have just said but worse plays over and over in my head.  But then, after a night of teaching and me playing softball;  another regret, I should have stayed home with the kids and the husband.  So, after 2 hours of selfish time; I started driving home with Carter in the car.  Driving down Main in Bountiful, we got just past 9th north when I saw a tiny little boy on his scooter waiting to cross the street.  I couldn't believe my eyes, he was probably 3 years old.  I drove by, and just as I looked in my rear view mirror he went to step out into traffic to cross.  I slammed my truck into reverse, parked, got out and ran.   Me stopping traffic,  approaching the little boy in the middle of busy Main.  As the two of us started walking back to his house, he crashes on his scooter.  I scoop him up and we keep walking, one full city block; he, at three years old was over a block from his home and crossing a VERY busy street.  I am holding him as we approach his home and I am looking at him.  His knees have old scars, old scabs, and fresh blood.  He has a filthy face, filthy hair, and disgusting clothes.  I can't help but wonder if his mother has even looked at him today.  We approached the home; the door was open, items littered the floor.  It was disgusting, unlivable in my opinion.  As I poked my head in yelling, "hello, I found this little guy down crossing Main".  I saw the parents sitting on the couch watching t.v.  WOW,  the dad was embarrassed and couldn't believe he had gone so far.  I left not saying much and started walking toward my truck.


I am sure they love their child as much as I do mine, I am sure they are providing the best they can.  I know that not everyone keeps their home clean and makes it a priority.  As I am putting my kids to bed that night.  Massaging each of them for 10 minutes because that is their reward if they are in bed before 10 without being asked.  I couldn't help but think, maybe I am doing ok.  As much as they drive me nuts, as much yelling and fighting that goes on.  As frustrated as I get.  As un-loved and un-needed as I feel as a wife and a mother.  At least my three boys know that I love them.  They all know that I am here when they need me, and that I will do anything for them.

So, I will keep plugging away.  One day at a time.  Treading water and trying to keep from drowning in this crazy life that we are living.  I am sure it will get harder before it gets easier, and I probably will fail at a lot of things.  But, as long as I am trying that is all that I can do!

Understanding CrossFit

It is occupying so much of my life lately I can't help but try to explain it a little better.

CROSSFIT
Constantly varied
High Intensity
Functional movement

The program delivers a fitness that is, by design, broad, general, and inclusive.  Crossfits specialty is NOT specializing.  We go in to a wod(work out of the day) ready for anything, and with the mindset that nothing should stop us.  Wind, snow, sleet, rain, heat; we go!

The CrossFit program is designed for scalability making it possible for anyone; from the Elite athlete, the house mom down the street, or the grandpa from next door!

Now that that is out of the way:

Everyone has been hearing a lot about crossfit since the games last year, Reebok picked them up, advertising started, and it seems that CrossFit has become a common household name; I know it has in ours.  

About three years ago I found myself dragging thru my normal workouts, I was bored with lifting weights.  I had been doing it for so long that I felt like I wasn't getting results anymore.  I didn't even want to lift which was odd seeings how I was so passionate about it.  I needed a change.  

My friend Kathy had left the gym and started training out of her sisters basement, I saw people coming into the gym who had been training with her and their bodies were changing drastically.  I knew I needed to know what she was doing.  It was hard for me to call another personal trainer and say hey, I suck, I can't get myself into the shape I want; would you train me.  Because Kathy is the nicest person in the world she made dialing her phone number the hardest part; the conversation was easy.

Kathy and Liz were doing CrossFit in her basement, it shocked me a little.  I didn't like having my Ass handed to me every time I worked out, I thought I was stronger than that.  What I did like is being pushed, being challenged, and having butterflies in my stomach for 30 minutes before my wod like I used to.  

After a few months of training in their basement Kat told me they were going to open a CrossFit, she wanted me to get certified so that I could help out when needed.  I jumped at the opportunity, not an opportunity to make money or have a "job" but the opportunity to change myself and become a better person.

17 months later here we are

The CrossFit games started 4 weeks ago,  I train like an athlete but am in no way one.  I put in the time, and then some.  Just because I train like one does not mean I would enter the games......EVER.  But I did!  Kathy didn't give me a choice, she said that I needed the games to push me to try things that I wasn't trying.  More important I needed the games to help me "feel" what the community of CrossFit was all about.

The community of CrossFit is why I am writing this.  Crossfit has this thing, an energy, a feeling, a passion.  It is the only place you can go on a daily basis and experience so many emotions.  You always fear the box(crossfit), you fear the wod, you fear the bar.  You fear movements you wish you could do but don't think you can.  You fear getting hurt, you fear peeing your pants while jumping onto a box or trying a double under.  But that fear isn't going to keep us from going to the Box.  The people who are there, at any box, in any city, state, or country; the people who are there know how hard it is and know how rewarding it is to try.  That is why we go, the people; they give us the drive to try, and maybe fail.  It is the only time in our life that it feels okay to fail at something.  What is cool is that we don't always fail and that keeps us coming back for more.  We come back because the last time we tried to back squat 200 pounds five times you got it and it felt so good that we want to try for more.  We come back because 2 months ago we couldn't snatch a training bar, but last night you got 75 pounds.  It's amazing

So, what happens is we get so excited about what is happening for that one little hour a day.  We are learning and growing so much that we talk about it.  We come home and tell our spouses, we facebook our progress, we try and show you what we can do.  It isn't meant to be braggy or arrogant trust me, because no matter what WE are doing; somebody else, at some other box in some other country is doing it a lot better.  We are telling you because we want to share with you the excitement that we are feeling.  It is like when a child goes poo in the toilet for the first time, they tell everyone because they are so excited.  Everyone doesn't really want to know, but EVERYONE pretends to be excited for the sake of the child.

The Community of CrossFit is a wonderful thing, it will never take place of my family.  It does however offer me something that I can't get anywhere else.  A sense of belonging, a sense of accomplishment; something that you don't get a lot of as an adult and especially as a stay at home mom.  

There are two weeks left in the Crossfit open, two more workouts that will challenge me and make me a better person.  I knew when I entered the games I wasn't competing to WIN, I was competing to CHANGE.  I was competing to push myself to try new things, and I did.

NewPort Beach

We had the opportunity to go to Newport beach for a week, of course we couldn't pass it by.  Because the trip was so spontaneous and such a great deal we wanted to try and spend as little money as possible; so we drove, YIKES.  It is a WAY long drive.  But, the gas is free and the bubbas were amazing.  

We stayed in a 2 bedroom condo at the Mariott Villas, it is an amazing resort; if the price was right it would be a kick trash family reunion.  The weather was just about perfect, a little chilly near the ocean but bikini worthy while poolside.

We chose to lay low for the most part, the only thing that we chose to do was drive up to Universal studios for a few hours one day, it was an absolute blast.  Because it was the off season there was no one there.  Most rides we were the only people on them and there was never any line.  

We couldn't be so close to San Gabriel and not go see Grandma Bonham.  After finishing our day at Universal we took a short drive over to where she is being cared for.  How great it was to see her, how special for the boys to be able to see her.  She was asleep when we arrived(at 6:30) so we woke her.  She seemed very pleased to see us, even more so to see the boys.  Her eyes lit up when she saw them, I am sure she doesn't know who they are but you could tell that she knew they were somebody special, she was so happy to be in the company of kids.  I didn't know Grandma B very well but from the way she looked at the boys I am sure that she loved children and that they hold a special place in her heart.   I realize that when she woke the next morning she probably didn't remember us being there, but I hope that maybe she felt at peace as she slept and when she woke in the morning.  I know seeing her meant a lot to Erik, and hopefully was something that the boys will never forget.

All in all the mini-vaca was a good one, it reminds us why we all love each other and how well we get along when the responsibilities of life aren't there to weigh us down and stress us out.  Here are a few pictures of us at the beach and Universal!  I hope you enjoy.

35 years

Sorry it has been so long since I have posted, I couldn't log in and had to go thru all of this garbage to do so!

With that said, today is my 35 birthday!  Where do I go from here?  No really, where do I go?

The boys had to interview me for a school project yesterday.  What great timing it was.  The questions were on the topic of my life.  What was your goal in life when you were younger?  What did you want to be when you grew up?  What is your biggest accomplishment?  What is the hardest thing you have ever done?  What is the most embarrassing?  What is the best day of your life.

The list went on for three pages, Carter and Riley both had to fill out the paper so they would take turns asking me the questions.  I don't think they really liked my answers,  I also think they were very surprised by them.

What did you want to be when you grew up?  I wanted to be a wife, and a mom!  That is it!  They didn't believe me, I told them they could call my mom and ask her, that is all I ever wanted to be.  I just had to pray that I would meet a man that wanted a wife and a mother for a constant companion.

What is your biggest accomplishment?  Giving birth to and raising twins!  Again they didn't believe me and asked if they could just write Crossfit instead, it sounded cooler.

The questions went on and all of the answers revolved around the boys and Erik, even my most embarrassing moment:
I was holding both of them in the farmington pool when they were just babies, one of their little piggies untied my string bikini  and it dropped to the bottom of the pool.  If I let go of them to get it they would drown.  I had to shimmy my way to the shallow end where I could set them down then proceed to pull up my pants.  I am sure that not even the lifeguard saw but it still tops the most embarrassing list!

So, at 35 years old where do I go from here.  I am still so young, yet I have accomplished all I have ever wanted to.  Where I am now is exactly where I wanted to be at 35; minus 2 kids but that is okay.  So where do I go.  It is time to set some new goals, and dream up some new dreams.  I am sure that most of them will still be centered around my 3 boys, keeping them happy and healthy.  But, some new ones need to be thought up.

I love 35, I love that I know who I am and I am at peace with me.  I love my wonderful, handsome husband and my two energetic crazy ten year old boys.  I love every person in my family and the crazy dynamic they add to my life; lets be honest if it weren't for all the crazy brother and sister in laws what would Erik and I talk about while lying in bed at night.  I love my home, my neighborhood, and the people that I train with every day, those people keep me striving to be better and work harder.  I love that I have no debt; I know that sounds dumb but how many 35 year olds can say that, if it weren't for Erik I would be dressed to the 9's and up to my ears in credit card debt.  Which brings me to the last thing, I love that just in the last month I am peace with who I am, that I am not the Jone's, or the Smith's or the Johnsons's or anyone else.  I am a Tipton, being a Tipton I know exactly who I am, where I stand, and where I am going.

Happy 35th Birthday to me.

I am Strong

After posting " A change of Seasons, a Change of Attitude"  I came across this on a website that I frequent,  it made me cry.  It was so fitting for the way that I have felt lately, it is really fitting in the crossfit community.  I know that most of you don't "get" crossfit, you don't understand why we love it so much.  Why we always come back for more.  It has changed my life and the way that I look at fitness and the way I look at my body.  I have always had a muscular build, even when I wanted and tried to be skinny I couldn't do it; it was physically impossible.  Crossfit has made it okay for me to have my big muscles.  Crossfit has made big muscles on women sexy.  But it is hard, everyday there is a new challenge; a heavier weight, a new move, a longer distance.  Then when I think that I have got it something new is thrown my way, then some hot 20 something girl comes in and gets her double under and pistol squat on her first try while I have been working on mine for a year.  I love Crossfit because it DOES give me a challenge, as a stay at home mom I don't have a lot of challenges; besides bedtime!  I love Crossfit, even when I don't.

Remind me I am strong. Please.

Most days, I know this.In spades, as my mom would say. I know I am strong like I know my front squat max or the movements in Fran. Usually remembering my strength is not a problem.

But sometimes I forget.

When the world gets overwhelming. When everybody needs something from me and nothing I do is on time, or enough, or even close to adequate.

I know these faults, these shortcomings, these glaring errors that yawn in their enormity, are most likely illusions in my own brain. But still they are there, gnawing at me, reminding me that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough.

So, do me a favor and remind me of something better. On those days when you see me slump a little, or falter, or my eyes seem kind of wet for no reason. These are the days that I’m weak inside and the world is simply too much, the weight is too heavy, and the pace seems so fast. On these days, remind me that I’m strong and I’ll stomp those doubts and I’ll come through.

It’s only a simple statement and I only need it once, maybe with a hand on the shoulder. “Hey, you are strong.”

It’ll carry me farther than you’ll ever know.

Happy Halloween!

Change of Seasons, change of attitude.

Fall is definitely in the air with winter just around the corner.  Football is nearing its end, Halloween is over, Flu shots have been given.  Typically I don't start feeling "down" or "depressed" until halfway thru January.  This year has been different, I already feel bummed out and like I just want to lay in bed all day.

As a stay at home mom there is not a way to measure my success; there is no paycheck.  I have always felt if my kids and husband are happy, if they are fed, and my house is clean(really clean) I am doing my job.  Personally, if I am eating clean and at the top of my game physically; if my workouts are on and I am teaching good classes than I am succeeding.

Well, my eating is not as clean as I want it, I feel like I am never accomplishing what I want at the gym.  I am stumbling thru all of my classes; I try and talk myself out of working out because I am no longer the best at what I do.  I am not happy with the way I look; because I know I can look better.  My house is never spotless anymore; dishes, laundry, yard work, homework.  Everything is piling up and I don't want to do it.

Something has got to change; how did I used to do it?  How did I use to say NO to the sweets, how did I count my calories and eat clean ALL the time, How did I drink a gallon of water a day?  How did I want to sweep and vacuum and mop and make my house so clean that people would ask if we "really" lived here.  What has changed?  What am I doing different?

Crossfit has started a new challenge this month, the 21 day challenge.  Normally I would look past all the details but this one caught my eye.

PART I
Pick at least 1 and no more than 3 food/beverage that is contributing to the decline of your health. These will be avoided for the first 21 days of November – completely. This will be a food/beverage that you know should be eliminated, but you justify/rationalize keeping.
PART II
Because health is much more than just the food we eat or don’t eat:
Pick at least one and no more than 3 activities/habits that are contributing to the decline of your health. These could be things you need to eliminate OR ADD to your life. For example; not getting enough sleep due to lack of effort (ADD sleep to your weekly routine)…texting while driving (ELIMINATE during the Challenge!)….not showing up for running/rowing wods because you hate or are not good at running/rowing (ADD running/rowing at least 2x per week)…not spending enough time with family due to work/TV/computer (do you really need this reminder??). These are just a few examples, they key in Part II is not only about eliminating the bad stuff, but also incorporating the good stuff – the kind of stuff that can enrich our life.


So this one I decided to take seriously; I knew the diet part that I wanted to do. I picked two things:
1. Eat clean, I know how to eat clean I did it for years.  I have been coaching people to eat clean for years successfully.  I have been lazy, I have been letting those around me pull me down and dictate what I put in my body.  I have been pulling myself down.
2.  Only 1 diet soda a day.  I drink WAY too much soda, for the past couple years I have felt that drinking 8+ cans of soda a day is better than drinking other "drinks" that I could be putting into my body.  I have been justifying it.  NO MORE.


The non-diet part I put a little more time and thought into it.  I had to think what has been different this year, why am I not happy?  What am I doing or not doing that is new?  FACEBOOK!
1. NO FACEBOOK:  I started facebook less than a year ago.  I spend a lot of time on facebook, when things happen or I hear something cool I think "I need to post this".  It also makes me feel a bit inadequate in a weird way.  I see all these women posting tons of pictures of themselves out with their girlfriends, they are at clubs, restaurants, bars, concerts.  I don't want to do these things, when given the choice I will always pick being with my family. But, it makes me feel that maybe I am doing something wrong.  Maybe I am the weird one making the strange choice by spending time with my family instead of my friends.  Am I weird because I don't do these things that so many other women do?  Is there something wrong with me because I don't have the desire for a "girls night'?  
The decision was easy, NO FACEBOOK for 21 days; if I am happy at the end of 21 days I will not get on it again.
2. No texting and driving, it is not safe and I am setting a bad example for my boys.
3. No scale, I don't know why I weigh myself.  I weigh A LOT, I always have and I probably always will.  Looking in the mirror and the way my clothes fit should be enough.  The scale got thrown out!


I don't know if these small goals will make me happy.  I don't know if these are the things that are making me unhappy.  I DO know that I felt amazing yesterday, I was so productive, I got so much done.  I felt like a better person, a better wife, and a better mother.  I was shocked at how often I wanted to go check facebook, it is a habit.  I found myself thinking of it all the time.  I couldn't believe all the free time I had.  Instead of sitting on the computer I accomplished so many other things.  I did things that used to be good habits that had gotten replace by computer time.  I felt like instead of being lazy I was doing my part as a wife and a mother.  I realized in one day that I had been feeling guilty for the time that I had been spending on facebook.  I felt guilty because I knew that while my husband was hard at work I was sitting on my butt facebooking instead of maintaining a home and family.  That guilt is what has been making me unhappy.  


I hope the next 20 days are as good as the first.  

A Star Is Born!

Riley is the star in his classroom this week, typically in any other class this means that the student is highlighted all week long; they get special privileges and responsibilities.  This year they get to make a poster and bring in a treat.  They are the star all week long but according to the boys there is nothing special that they get to do besides the poster.

I hate making posters, I feel it is a waste of time and supplies.  Erik and I don't even print pictures anymore, everything is digital.  So rather than waste countless hours on a poster that the kids can't even see from their desks I decided to make a movie.   I am just learning how to use iMovie and it seems like every time I use it I learn something new.  I let Riley pick all the pictures that he wanted and the songs that he wanted.  We tried to keep it around 5 minutes.

Like always when I look at pictures it makes me(and Erik) want to have another baby(or two).  It also makes me realize just how blessed I am to have two healthy and happy  boys.  It is never hard to find pictures of them smiling; because they are always smiling.  It is however hard to find pictures of them separate, they are always together; laughing, and playing, arms around each other as they pose for the camera.

There is always a challenge with parenting, it seems that my boys take turns being challenging.  For 6 months Carter will be a pill then they switch and Riley will turn into a stinker and Carter will be great.  For the past 9 months  or so Riley has been my challenge; until recently.  I don't know if I changed my attitude toward him or if he is just catching on.  He has been so pleasant, so loving for the past few weeks.  It is no longer unusual for him to pull me into his bed at night and give me a big hug and tell me he loves me.  Each morning he wakes me with the biggest smile I have ever seen, then he crawls under my covers and snuggles with me for the next 30 minutes until it is time to get ready for school.  I have loved having him in my life, he has so much energy and such a great outlook on life.  Putting this short video together reminded me just how much I adore him.  I want life to slow down just a bit so I can enjoy every second that I have with him.  

Napa

Erik had some business and personal things to take care of in the Napa area this last weekend.  For  the first time in 10 years we got to spend some time alone without the kids.

What I felt in Napa without the kids is so hard to describe;  from the moment we approached the airport our relationship changed into something it hasn't been in a long time.  Don't get me wrong Erik and I love each other and show that love, but we have responsibilities and those responsibilities change how we can respond to each other.  Walking to the terminal there was an increased love or spark between us; we could be more playful with each other; we could flirt!

Throughout the whole trip, the car ride to Napa, moving into the hotel, taking tours of amazing estates, eating at restaurants; I loved every minute of it.  I didn't have to entertain anyone, or break up any fights. I only had to order for myself, dress myself, teach myself.  But, there was still this void; I found myself looking over to Erik saying, " the boys would love this" or "could you imagine what the boys would think" and "look at the size of that cookie, they would be in heaven".

Is it 10 years of habit?  Is it because we have never left them? No, it is because we love being with them. As much as they can drive us crazy we love spending our time, all of our time with them.  I can't think of anyone that we would rather be with.  Friends call, people invite us places; restaurants, movies, vacations, events.  We always ask "with kids?"  If they say no, we decline.

We love the time that we had away from them,  I think we should do it more often.  But  WE decided to have kids, Erik and I made that decision.  We need to be responsible for them always and forever.  Yes, breaks are needed and everyone might feel they need to get away, but when we made the choice to have kids, we made the choice to raise them.  With that choice we give up late nights, girls nights, guys nights, weekends away, sometimes gym time, and even the celebration of anniversary's with out kids; really, why celebrate without them, don't they make your marriage what it is?

I watch and listen to friends that will take any excuse that they can find to get away, sometimes they have no excuse.  I see them leave their kids with neighbors that they barely know, they leave them with older siblings that really shouldn't be left alone with that kind of responsibility. They take advantage of their parents who should be enjoying retirement.  I can't help but think that if my parents left me all the time for something other than business trips, if they were always looking for an excuse to get away; I would have been hurt, even at a young age I would have wondered why my mom always wants to get away.

They are already growing up faster than I would like, and one day they will move out.  Hopefully if we time things right Erik can retire around that same time.  When this time comes, and it will come, we will have all the time in the world.  I am willing to bet that we will miss them; that we will call them and ask them to come join us for dinner, for movies, for a weekend get a way.  As much as they drive us nuts, we love and cherish every moment we can get with them.

I loved Napa, every minute that I had alone with Erik I will never forget.  But I love being a mom and a housewife, it's what I do, it's who I am.  I love my children. I am going to find every excuse that I can to spend more time with them.  They are 10 years old, I know the journey of a mother never ends but it won't be long before they are going to be out of the house.  I want every second that I can have with them.  There is no good excuse for finding time to spend away from your family.  There are only good excuses for finding time to spend with them.  I will take any excuse I can find!

The Bubbas 9th year

Here we are hitting the double digits, it is hard to believe that they are already so old!  I feel like our little family does so much every day, week, month, year.  I wanted to share with you just some of what the boys did in their 9th year of life.  Maybe one day they can look back on this video and realize just how good they had it!

First day of School

What a summer,  I have to admit that I almost feel ripped off a little.  I didn't get to do all the fun things that I usually take the boys to do and it makes me sad.  Actually what really happened is when we had the time and I asked, "do you want to go to the park, the zoo, the aviary.  Do you want to go on a bike ride, swimming, or a hike?"  They never wanted to, they want to "hang" with their friends or go ride their bikes around the neighborhood; but never with me.

I remember being 10 yrs old, if I look back on my childhood that is the age that I have distinct memories of where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt.  I remember riding my bike around the neighborhood, running in and out of all of my friends houses and as long as I was home for dinner thats all that mattered.

It scares me to think that I remember my teacher Mrs. Macintosh, the songs we sang, my first boyfriend Jeff Larsen, my first bra, and my first migraine.  I was old enough to know things and do things on my own but I still wanted my parents help; but not in front of my friends.  I road my bike to and from school everyday and if my mom wasn't home when I got there it was no big deal; I went out and played, or sat in front of the t.v. with a jar full of skippy.

As a parent I am absolutely terrified of my kids memory.  Not that I don't try my hardest every day to be the best parent that I can be, I do.  But, now I feel I have to put in that extra effort because they will undoubtedly remember things for the rest of their lives.

So this morning as I send them off for their first day of school, I snap this picture; they will remember this Jersey as being the outfit that they were so excited to wear.  They will remember Mrs. Hart; I hope she is good.  They will remember that all their friends are in the same class this year.  They will remember that the 2 of them were the number one pick for the Bountiful Braves gremlin football team.  They will probably find a girl they like, or maybe two.  But above all of that, I hope that they remember that their mom was here for them; to make them breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  To take them to school, to football, and to their tutor;  even though they hate going maybe one day they will be glad.  I hope they remember that I was there for the bike rides if they wanted me.  That I can still bounce them on the tramp even though they almost weigh as much as me.  And at night after the evening battle of brushing their teeth and washing their face, I hope they remember that I was there to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.

Happy Anniversary

Each morning I wake and every night I fall asleep I can't help but think of how lucky I am for so many things, but the one thing that I always feel so blessed for is my marriage.  When I look back to my dating years and I think about the boys that I dated, I can't help but think how different my life would have been had I taken a different path.
How amazing it is that my brother Travis served with Erik in the MTC and remained good enough friends for 2 years that Trav invited Erik to lake powell.  Then by some  miracle Erik and I became friends; he lived an hour away, is 5 years older, and was at such a different time in his life than I was.  But somehow, through one year of dating, one year of being good friends, then one more year of dating and being best friends he asked me to marry him.
He is my best friend, and an amazing husband and father.  He works harder than any man I know to create a happy, loving home.  He provides, he plays, he loves.
Marriage isn't easy, but it shouldn't be hard either.  I can't help but think that there needs to be a balance of everything.  You have to work at it, but you also have to play; and play hard.  Of course there is always going to be a fight, but if you didn't fight then you wouldn't make-up.  There is a certain balance in our marriage; I know his role and he knows mine, when one of us can't fill our role then the other steps in.  Every time we go to Costco as a family we get home and we take on our roles; he unloads the truck and brings everything to the stairs of the house, the boys then bring everything from the stairs to the kitchen, and then I put everything in its place.  Each time we go to Costco as a family and we go through our routine I work in the kitchen smiling; these are not only our responsibilities after a day of shopping, these are our responsibilities for our life.  Everything we do in our life, our marriage, our family; we do it together.  We are not always smiling and happy while we do it, in fact sometimes we are crying, screaming or whining; but we still do it.....together.
Each year on our anniversary since having kids Erik and I struggle with what we should do to celebrate if anything at all.  We can never seem to decide if we should get a babysitter and go have a nice dinner or do we take the kids somewhere with us?  As we casually discuss the day we almost always come back to us as a family, we would not have the marriage that we do with out our handsome boys.  They entertain us, they play with us, they help us, they make us mad; really mad sometimes.  So when it comes to the Happy Anniversary celebration we typically choose to celebrate with our family.  It is our family unit that makes our marriage click, it is why the last thirteen years have been so rewarding and it is why the next thirteen plus are going to be just as wonderful.
Thank you Erik for the best 13years of my life, I will continue to love you, work with you, play, laugh, and cry with you.  I would not be who I am without you in my life;

Loving Summer

Here we are in the middle of July, baseball is over, football has just begun.  Water parks, hikes, vacations, rhino rides, boating, campfires, movies, and night time bike rides have all been done.  There is no better time to bond with your family than summer time.  How blessed I feel to have a husband that can come home in the middle of the day to hit up our favorite amusement park or run up to the lake.  I feel even more blessed that I look forward to him coming home early!!


Here are a few pic's to give you an idea of just how busy we keep our summers, keep in mind we are only half way done!

We started off with the Dirty Dash, next year the boys are going to join us!

 Time to remodel the Laundry room, too much wasted space.  The mess almost drove me crazy!

 Way to many rattle snakes this year.  This one had a full grown squirrel in its belly,  YES they did cut it out; they are boys.

 Family reunion to Reno, Nevada.  All of the boys had a blast.

 Slip and slide, went on forever and could have kept going!

 Sidewalk days at the Gateway, so relaxing and so many talented people.

Combining work and pleasure; Daddy had to work in St. George so we tagged along.  We got to see Zion's while we were there!